STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
You Might Also Like
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off