I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Most fashion shows these days…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.