CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Cat.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?