Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.