It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?