When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You Might Also Like
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I love the honesty
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
u guys got any snacks onboard here
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own