“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
set yourself free xox
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I am a gravy boat captain
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked