You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube