My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me 2 months after i graduated
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.