[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
You Might Also Like
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Blew my mind.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat