[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping