Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
greetings!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My horoscope said I should kiss you today