Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.