Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.