Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate