My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Camping tip: No.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.