Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
OH. COME. ON.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”