“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.