Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.