The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it