I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.