Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Scream sneezers need love too.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
We cut our bangs at dawn.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.