I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
WHO DID THIS?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.