My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
happy friday
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.