Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
set yourself free xox