A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
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imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that