By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.