parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
my one true gender
Do one person every day that scares you.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Childbirth is so beautiful
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards