When libraries troll their patrons.
You Might Also Like
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?