Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.