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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It鈥檚 all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That鈥檚 what happens when my kid says he鈥檚 taking a shortcut.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You鈥檝e been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My mom said if she鈥檇 known grandchildren were so fun she would鈥檝e skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way