bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.