Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’M CRYINGGG
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.