freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me :
All Day At Night
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Friday
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.