Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m confused about plants
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians