Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
You Might Also Like
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*Seductively hides in the woods
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.