Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.