A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.