Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.