A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
WHO DID THIS?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.