I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
me when i see my girls butt
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful