Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I have questions??
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.