What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
it be like that
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now