a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Note to self: I am a note
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.