We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
You Might Also Like
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
guilty
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either