Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton