Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”