[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
You Might Also Like
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Pot warmers of the day.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.