people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”