How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions